Increased Difficulty

Posted on by ayashi

While we invite the thought that we are really fucking talented gamers, we have found a level of difficulty in today’s release of Diablo III.  I had read all about the newest difficulty levels Blizzard finally introduced to attract elitist swine like ourselves, but we were no match for the first three bosses in the game.  That’s right, none of us can slay these difficult encounters; that I will now demonstrate:

The first boss is highlighted, I cannot even unlock the two grey ones on the bottom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many strategies I put to the test against this formidable foe, but the monster was too strong.  As if to taunt us, the boss even has a custom gameover screen for when it humiliates you for trying to engage it in combat:

Gameover again..Fuck it I'll try one more time

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If anyone has defeated this boss please post your strategy on our forums or on irc.  Stupid increased difficulty.

Punching things with lightning

Posted on by Laurelyn

So I will admit, I never did play Diablo 1 or 2. Please don’t hurt me.

I managed to use my feminine wiles (read: vagina and boobs) to get a D3 beta key months ago, and really enjoyed the very brief and utterly unsatisfying taste of Diablo 3 that Blizzard teases you with.

Thus I am taking very important time in the midst of final projects and exams and putting into ERROR 37… I mean… Diablo 3.

So far I’m in the first Act, which is pretty much what the beta was, so hopefully i’ll get through this quick and get my money’s worth (yeah right) from the rest of the game. If not, I plan to strap myself with raw meat and run from the local dog park to Blizzard HQ to show my “appreciation” of their work. Who’s with me?

My battletag is Laurelyn#1473. I hope you will join me in this fruitless venture of getting an LCD tan instead of enjoying real, vitamin enriched sunshine.

JV congregation

Posted on by ayashi

We will be forming groups and other things that fall under the category of ‘etc.’ within our irc channel: irc.freenode.net #jv

Ayashi#1589 is my tag, I will post other JV members’ as they come to me. 30 minutes and counting until it goes live. Prepare.

FUCK YOU SPACE COWBOYS

Posted on by ODDBALL

I just watched this fucking disgrace of a film. I sat there, already painfully stiff neck hardening into solid bands of torturous barbed steel as travesty after travesty was paraded before my eyes. The producers of this film made a pornography starring science. The kind of pornography where where the starlet gets impossibly enormous long black objects shoved deeply into various orifices and pumped like a hydraulic plunger while she has to pretend to have an orgasm from it.

Want to know when America died? Yeah. Its fucking dead, and it died when this film came out. We are just living in the carcass as it rots around us. One day it will collapse into a pile of dust and brittle bone flakes and we will all be living under the thumb of people who rove around in bands and execute people they suspect of being sorcerors and it will be because of THIS FUCKING FILM.

 

The FUCK was Clint Eastwood thinking? Did his balls crawl back up into his pelvis? Getting old Clint? Afraid nobody will want you in their movie anymore? Just taking what you can get before the ride is over? FUCK YOU SELLOUT. FUCK YOU FOR FUCKING SCIENCE AND MAKING PEOPLE THINK YOU CAN STRAP YOURSELF TO A FEW NUCLEAR WEAPONS MEANT TO TRAVEL LIKE 180 MILES  FROM ORBIT TO THE EARTH AND JUST POINT THEM AT THE MOON AND YOU MAKE IT THERE. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING PEOPLE THINK THAT GERIATRICS COULD EVER POSSIBLY PASS THE GODDAMN NASA PHYSICAL REQUIREMENTS FOR SPACE FLIGHT. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING PEOPLE THINK YOU CAN BRING A SPACE SHUTTLE FROM ORBIT BACK THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE AND LAND THE FUCKING THING ON NO ENGINES AND NO GUIDANCE COMPUTERS AND WALK AWAY FROM IT.

GO DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE FOR THE BUKAKKE CUM BATH YOU JUST PUT SCIENCE THROUGH. AMERICA IS THAT MUCH DUMBER BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN YOU OBVIOUS FAGGOT.

I will choke you through the internet.

Posted on by ODDBALL

Diablo 3 is coming and I have a decision to make. On one side of this decision is playing Diablo 3, a game I have waited for since I first killed Baal in D2. On the other side of the decision are several advantages of having a right hand.

Some of these are immediate and tangible, like writing a check or being able to masturbate without feeling like I’m fucking a stranger. Others are things I imagine might become possible in the future but would require the use of both hands, such as choking kids through the internet – a fantasy I have held since my first 9600 baud modem connected to the “world wide web” as they termed it back in the stoneage that was the 90′s.

The reason this decision is being thrust upon me is twofold. First, I am rapidly approaching awkward old man status otherwise known as the big 3-0. Once I cross this ephemeral time barrier several horrifying things will happen to me, not the least of which is that instead of being a young man with unrealized potential who still likes to play video games I will become an abject failure in the eyes of society. Another thing that will happen to me is that my body will switch from “you can take anything” mode to “your extremities are made of dried clay” mode.

I have already felt the first ripples of this effect. During the Diablo 3 beta I noticed that after five minutes of gameplay my hands felt like someone had dipped them into a lukewarm solar photosphere. The only thing the assholes at Blizzard have done to alleviate this issue is to make it so you don’t have to click on every single tiny pile of fucking gold. That helps, but you still need to click like fifteen million times per hour to play the fucking game.

So I have to choose between potential strangling later or definite funsies in D3 now. I will probably choose the latter, likely because there are some people I know who are going to be playing and because I already bought the game.

Getting old sucks.

PAX East 2012

Posted on by Laurelyn

For those of you who aren’t familiar with PAX (Penny Arcade Expo), here’s a brief overview…  GAMES.  Not just your bros life Call of Duty on Xbox or nerd style Dungeons and Dragons (though those are included)… it’s EVERYTHING GAMING.  PC, handheld, tabletop, console, classic console, and an expo hall filled with booths of new releases and upcoming features.

PAX East 2012 in Boston was held at the BCEC, which is FUCKING HUGE.  Kind of like the convention itself.  Here are some numbers to crunch:

- Ran 120 panels, including features from Bioware, Q&A sessions with Penny Arcade artists Mike & Jerry, and a Pitch Your Game panel (which included a video game entitled “Just the Tip 2” – you think real hard on that one)

- Held over 100 tournaments including handheld, tabletop, console, and PC

- Supported 185 exhibitors in the expo hall, including Riot, Ubi-soft, Xbox, and Reddit (yes, wtf, Reddit).

- Supported 415 tables for tabletop gaming, including Settlers of Catan, Warhammer, and Cards Against Humanity (which is amazing, especially for most of you messed up kids, so if you haven’t tried it yet, do so)

- Hosted 2 nights of concerts featuring The Protomen, Jonathan Coulton, MC Frontalot, Minibosses, Video Game Orchestra, and Paul & Storm

- Logged over 11,000 PC freeplay sessions, and maintained a 600 computer LAN party.

 

 

 

I highly recommend attending a PAX at some point if you are able.  PAX Prime is usually over the Labor Day long weekend (end of August, beginning of September) in Seattle, and PAX East is usually the 2nd weekend in March (give or take a week) in Boston.  The next PAX will be August 31st to September 2nd at the Washington State Convention Center in Seattle.  Tickets are $65 for a 3-day pass or $35 for a single day.  Go to http://prime.paxsite.com for more information, and be sure to get your pass quick, as they have a tendency to sell out faster than the last case of Natty Ice to a bro on football night.

Underneath that warm, fuzzy exterior…

Posted on by Laurelyn

With all the awesomeness going on, there were still a few undercurrents.  If you aren’t a Penny Arcade follower, you probably don’t recognize the name Paul Christoforo.  Let me introduce you:

“Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet, thanks for the welcome to message wurd up.”

Yeahhhhh…. Paul Christoforo of Ocean Marketing is a prime example of how NOT to run customer service.  In response to a customers’ inquiry regarding a product he was promised at a certain time, which he had not received.  The customer instead got very disgustingly written emails, which included the above excerpt.  Paul has no sense of tact, his spelling is atrocious, and 12 year old WoW players understand the concept of grammar better than he does.

For the full story and emails back and forth, go here: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/events/paul-christoforo-ocean-marketing-emails

Anyway, there was a big blow up, because Penny Arcade took a stand and basically said Paul was not welcome at the PAX convention.  This of course stirred up Paul’s ‘roid rage, and there was a rash of tweets before PAX East about how nothing could stop him getting in, and tweets during PAX with pictures from the Expo floor – none which actually had Paul IN them, though.

As it turned out, Paul got pranked by the guys at Penny Arcade HARD.  The pictures he posted were sent to him from inside Penny Arcade, and tweets after PAX blew him out of the water.  That plus the fact that his cell phone number, which he was kind enough to post ON TWITTER, was traced back to California – which I can personally confirm he was on, because in my trollness, I messaged him a “hay bby wat u up 2, I think ur awesome and fuk those pax guys, wanna meet up?”, which was met with some very rude comments about my sexuality and liking penis in the anus.

The best part about all this was, when all was said and done and the prank was exposed, PAUL DIDN’T GET IT.  First he tried to deny it, then he backtracked and said yeah ok, he wasn’t there Sunday, but he was there Friday/Saturday… and he retweeted the portions of Mike’s “prank set up tweets” which SARCASTICALLY said, yeah Paul was there…  proof that hey, drugs are bad, mmmk?

If you want to read more about the prank they pulled, go here: http://www.penny-arcade.com/2012/04/10/my-big-pax-post

You’ll also find in this article a mention of the controversy regarding Lollipop Chainsaw booth babe Jessica Nigri.  It has always been a PAX policy that ladies working expo booths are to be knowledgeable about the company/product they are representing, and be suitably dressed.  Booth babes who are mindless pieces of flesh to be ogled by virgins are not accepted at this particular convention.  So Jessica was asked to cover up or change… which she did, but into an outfit just as skimpy, and asked to change or cover up again.  This seemed to cause a giant outrage, because the mass of brainless idiots who want to go to a convention to look at hot chicks in slutty outfits apparently don’t understand that there is more to the gaming industry than BOOBS.  Grow up and think with the brain on top of your shoulders already.

Old School, fuck yeah

Posted on by ODDBALL

We seem to be in a middle zone where a lot of good shit is about to come out, but nothing has hit yet. If you’re like me, then you load up Steam every day just in the vain hope that something will be there to relieve your boredom. That’s how I found a new, awesome RPG.

Avernum: Escape from the Pit

Its a deal on steam for 8 bucks and I’ve been playing it for the last couple of days. Yeah, its an indie game. Yeah it looks like shit. But god fuck me in the ass if it can’t hold my attention better than any fancy modern graphics game. Yeah that’s right, old 8 bit pixellated figures you can barely make out is more interesting to me than the game that has made an historic breakthrough on the most realistic blood splatter pattern on dusty concrete walls.

If you’ve ever played an old tactical turn based RPG before and liked it, you should get this game. The combat interface, character progression system, and dialogue are all really well done. Be warned though: even on normal difficulty (there are 2 higher ones) the game suddenly goes from holding your hand and toasting marshmallows together directly to tearing off your leg and beating you to death with it. One second I was swording hordes of goblins without breaking a sweat, the next I’m being gang raped by fire breathing bats.

FIRE BREATHING BATS.

Maitenance~

Posted on by ayashi

We will be making some slight changes to the webpage, including a more effective (and functional) web-freenode-chat link, along with something SECRET that is…a …SECRET.

That means I haven’t thought of it yet.

Expect a writeup from PAX from our dear Moonmaster soon. That is all. JV out